You’d think since it’s my fourth pregnancy, I’d have the maternity underwear thing down pat.
But I don’t.
Each pregnancy did something different to my body, therefore causing me to renew my panty quest every time.
Walk with me as I share the four phases of my panty-buying journey.
Step One: Denial panties
I spent the first four months of my pregnancy in denial. “I didn’t need special underwear.” “I could work with what I had.” As I continued to grow, and the panties began digging into my belly, I ignored it. But the elastic kept getting tighter and tighter. Finally one day, I cut the elastic to relieve the pressure. That’s when I knew it was time to move onto the next phase.
Step Two: I can still pull off sexy panties, right?
This was a short lived phase — a very short lived phase. I went to a local maternity clothing store and bought a maternity thong — yes, they sell thongs for pregnant women. The undies ride lower on the waist, and it was bargain: 3 pairs for $20.
Unfortunately, I realized hemorrhoids + thongs = BAD combo!
I switched to boy shorts, but got sick of the constant wedgies. The shorts rode up my back side while the front rolled down my belly bump. Another $20 wasted.
Step Three: Sans panties
I got sick of spending money on maternity underwear, so I gave this idea a whirl. Then I realized I was pregnant with my fourth child which means a weak bladder dribbles whenever I sneezed, coughed, laughed, picked something up or breathed.
So I hit the final phase.
Step Four: Putting on the big girl underwear
You know the ones — the very large granny panties. They make your period panties look like Victoria’s Secret Model panties. In fact, I’m pretty sure these bad boys (which ONLY come in white, black, and beige) were once twin bed sheets.
So here I am waddling around with eight more weeks to go in my huge underwear.
Who cares if these big guys go right up to the rim of my boobs, they treat me right. They don’t roll, pinch or ride up. They cover the entire expanse of my ever growing belly — and bottom.
Finally, I’m comfortable in the underwear department.
Until, of course, the baby comes and my panties are too big again.
Drat, I wish I hadn’t cut the elastic on all my old panties.
* * *
IF YOU GO!
Baby Love Essential’s Baby Fair
10 a.m. to 3 p.m., Sunday
Ramada Plaza Convention Center, near 72nd and Grover streets.
Visit the momaha booth at the largest baby exhibit in town. Features belly casting, pamper stations, infant CPR classes, birthing bootcamp and photography sessions.
Tickets: $5 in advance, $10 day of show. Kids 12 and younger are free.
LIVE CHAT: Mingle with Kristi Wilson and other moms 2 p.m. Friday on momaha.com about the upcoming baby fair.
* * *