We found a condom in my 16-year-old daughter’s purse

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The Sassy Housewife is weekly advice column on Momaha.com by Danielle Herzog. She’ll cover the adventures in housewifery — from parenting, entertaining and recipes to the interests of a been-there-done-that and somewhat-know-it-all wife. Sassy Housewife runs every Saturday. Have a question for her? Email momaha@owh.com

Dear Sassy Housewife,

We found a condom in my 16-year-old daughter’s purse this weekend after it was knocked off the kitchen table. She was sleeping upstairs and my husband and I spent the rest of the night in total shock. Now we are disagreeing and conflicted on what to do next. We’ve had the sex talk with her a couple of times over the past few years and have always felt like she has been open and honest about her relationships, but what now? My husband wants to ignore it and pretend we didn’t find it, but I think we need to do something, though I’m unsure of exactly what. Can you help?

Signed,

Sixteen ain’t so sweet

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Dear Sixteen,

I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but WOW, I’m so impressed that a girl was actually carrying around a condom — a very responsible thing to do.

Your instinct is right in this situation – something needs to be done. If your husband won’t jump on board, then it will come down to you. Don’t get too upset with the hubby though, he used to be that hormonal teenage boy that your daughter finds attractive. So he probably knows too much. I’m sure he wants to sit on the couch next to that boy and clean a rifle while staring him down.

As for you, set up a time and place that won’t put her on the spot or make her feel like she is in trouble. Tell her the truth. Then wait. Wait a few minutes to see what she tells you. Some kids will spill all the beans just at the mere mention of it, others will want to see how you feel.

Either way, let her know how much you love her and then remind her of her responsibilities. She obviously is taking precautions, but does she know all the options available? Would she need your help obtaining some of those options?

The thought of taking my daughter to get birth control horrifies me as well, but the idea of her getting pregnant at 16 is worse.

Then, when that conversation is over and you two hug it out, pour yourself a glass of wine and find a new place that she can put her purse– preferably somewhere that it can’t fall open.

Danielle Herzog, a married mother to two, blogs for momaha every Wednesday. She taught middle and high school students and served as a student counseling advisor in the Washington D.C. area prior to moving to Omaha. She was a project manager for the Washington D.C.-area’s Boys and Girls Club and is currently completing her master’s degree in counseling at the University of Nebraska at Omaha.

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February 9th, 2013 at 5:50 pm

I take it one of those options isn't abstinence. If she isn't ready to be a mother and take care of a child, maybe she shouldn't be having sex. Here's an interesting thought. We preach abstinence all the time for underage drinking because of the chance of a car wreck. Both situations could cause some very long-term consequences. And of course, there's always abortion to 'take care' of that pregnancy problem.

Janine Huldie:

February 9th, 2013 at 6:21 pm

Danielle, you said it perfectly and your advice was truly spot on, as much as I would be a bit freaked having to get my 16 year daughter birth control, I would rather her be responsible and proactive then et pregnant at 16 years old. Very good and solid advice here.

Jenne Deverell Stack:

February 9th, 2013 at 9:20 pm

Pretending your child will abstain from sex, after sex-protection is found would be a serious gamble ... one that COULD lead to abortion. Having safe sex isn't the end of the world; having a child at that age is. Primary prevention is imperative in this situation ... you don't wait around until the teenager is pregnant and THEN treat the situation. Danielle, great advice. Scary when kids grown up...

Mary Rae Ava Roy:

February 9th, 2013 at 10:23 pm

I think one serious fact was left out (but agree with the great advice that was given)...there is more to worry about than pregnancy especially in this day in age. STDs are a major concern. It is important that this teen and everything make good, safe decisions because they love themselves enough to do so. Getting an STD at a young age could cause health problems, have long term effects, and more...not to mention what it could do to a young girl's self esteem and image. For that reason I would add that the critical point to drive home in this type of conversation with a teen, is to encourage them to take accountability for being safe because it is the responsible thing to do and it is what they should do for a body that they LOVE. If you love something, you want to take care of it. This girl and others should know that they are worth being safe, and no situation should compromise that. In the worst case scenario of a pregnancy, consider this: a baby can fulfill a person, push them to achieve goals, and be a blessing. A baby can be given up. (You get the idea) An STD on the other hand, will not make you smile, it will not fulfill you, and it cannot be "given up" if you decide you can't handle it.

Stephanie Laramey:

February 9th, 2013 at 10:47 pm

If I ever found something like that in my daughter's purse, her world would never be the same. There would be no further opportunities for a teenage pregnancy because aside from attending school, she'd be with me. All the time. The idea that we shouldn't expect kids to restrain themselves is so ridiculous it makes me angry. If parents wouldn't put up with it, there wouldn't be epidemics of STDs and teen pregnancy. But in a world where there is no real morality, kids having sex with kids is the norm. Very sad.

Jodie Koile Morgenson:

February 10th, 2013 at 2:20 pm

Everyone is assuming that because this girl has a single condom in her purse that she has already had sex or is intending to do so. There could be another explanation which makes ignoring what they've seen even more foolish. Ignoring something this serious is just poor communication and it's the easy way out as a parent. They need to talk to their daughter so they can fully assess what's going on here. Anything that opens the door to talk to your kids about something this serious is a positive thing--even if it means that you might hear something you don't want to hear. Knowing and having the opportunity to impart your family's values is better than sweeping it under the rug.

Amanda Poole:

February 10th, 2013 at 8:57 pm

I had a similar thought process of what if she isnt even having sex or intending to. Maybe she has it just in case the opportunity presents itself. Predicting WHEN something like this will happen is not really doable. I agree the topic needs to be discussed but jumping to conclusions will make her shut down and then what? poor girl is embarrassed and gets pregnant because she was afraid to tell her parents that shes sexually active and needs birth control. Such a fine line to tread.

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