As we wind down another holiday season, I find myself with a host of new experiences to share with our friends at the toy companies for their thoughtful consideration.

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Dear toy companies,

From myself and parents everywhere, I would like to say thank you for all that you do. Your products occupy both the dreams of my children and the bulk of my credit card balance. With that being said, I would like to offer a few suggestions garnered from this year’s gift giving experiences.

First of all, I am squarely a member of what you would consider Generation X. This means that, as well as my peers, often shop online. We do so both for convenience and discretion… more commonly for discretion. It does not help us to be discrete, however, when the shipping box has a life-size image of the product that we are trying to hide hide from our kids on the side of box. My oldest son now thinks that Santa advance-ships larger toys via UPS.

Now a few notes on packaging and assembly.

I do not think I am imagining things when I say boxes seem to be getting more difficult to access. A half-inch thick copper staple may be a bit excessive. After all, that is the same size used to attach wings to aircraft… and since my kids Cabbage Patch kid isn’t going on any bombing runs scotch tape should suffice.

As for your instructions, I am all for the inclusiveness of printing the instructions in multiple languages, but I fear you may be trying too hard. While we are a nation of immigrants, I don’t know if it’s necessary to include a translation for every possible language with your product. I’m sure the Macedonian speakers will be understanding if there is not a version included.

And a thought or two on technology.

Now, I’m a techno-geek, but even I have to say that a USB-port in a doll is a stretch. What could you possibly want to download into a doll… diarrhea update 2.0 (now with more gas)?

And batteries are apparently required in everything. This I have come to accept. I’m all for child safety and can also accept the necessity of removing a screw to get to the batteries, but is it necessary to make the screw as long as the toy? On a related note, can you please use a screw size that can be undone using a screwdriver that actually exists in the western hemisphere?

Thank you,

A concerned dad

P.S. Cabbage Patch kids scared the hell out of me in 1984 and they scare the hell out of me in 2013… it may be time to make them a little less so.

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