Digg
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TwitterDo you remember when it seemed like all of your friends were getting married?
About five or so years later, all your friends started having babies?
Now, it appears everyone is getting divorced.
In the last month, I’ve heard of three good friends getting divorced. One couple was not a big surprise. But one was a shocker.
I suspect several more of my friends will probably be getting divorced soon, too.
I’m not naive. I know about half of all marriages end in divorce, but I guess I thought those statistics belonged to “other people.” I guess those “other people” include my friends.
Over the weekend, my wife and I went on our monthly date night. I insisted that we talk about our freinds’ decision to divorce. I don’t want this to happen to us, I told her.
Call me a sentimental sap, but the truth is that I absolutely adore my wife. She is strong, loving and beautiful. She understands me better than I understand myself. Not once since we started dating almost 19 years ago have I ever doubted that she was a better life partner than I could ever hope to marry.
I don’t doubt that my friends felt the same way about their wives until recently. I don’t know what caused their break-ups. But it scares me a little. If this can happen to them, it could happen to us.
“Honey,” I said starring into my wife’s sapphire eyes during dinner, “I will sacrifice whatever I need to so this relationship works. My priority is to stay married to you.”
She offered a timid smile which I knew was her way of keeping the tears welling up in her eyes from falling. She simply said: “I’m not going anywhere.”
I think we have what it takes to grow old together and be among the second half — one of marriages that last.
But my friends failured relationships has provided us with a sober reminder of how easily divorce can happen. It has also provided us with an opportunity to learn from their mistakes so we can avoid the pitfalls of divorce or at least be prepared for the challenges that might come our way.
People change. It’s inevitable. Some partners can accept those changes and adapt. Some partners cannot. Love is not always enough to bridge the gap. It takes hard work, a willingness to compromise and maybe a little luck.
The journey won’t be easy, but we both know it will be worth it.
Al Watts is the President of Daddyshome, Inc. – The National At-Home Dad Network and an at-home dad of 4 children living in west Omaha. Read him Wednesdays on momaha.com.
Copyright ©2012 Omaha World-Herald®. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, displayed or redistributed for any purpose without permission from the Omaha World-Herald.
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Posted by: PJ on 01/25/2012 @ 7:23 am:
The sweet and genuine tone of this message is heartwarming. Both you and your wife seem very lucky. My husband and I are only approaching our 7th year of marriage and are both in our very early 30′s, as are the majority of our friends… We have seen several friends already divorce. I had a similar naive concept of divorce effecting the “other 50%).
I also worry about the reasons that people go from adoring their spouse, as I do, to one day eerily hating them vehemously. However, marriage is hard work. The good times far outweigh the bad, and I have my parents thriving 35+ year marriage to watch and emulate.
Thanks for this post, very refreshing.
Posted by: Craignsara on 01/25/2012 @ 8:29 am:
Great post, Al. I am not even thirty and I’ve had some friends go through divorce. It’s hard. I’ve been with my husband for almost half of my life and I love him. Sure, we have our bad days, bad weeks even, but at the end of the day it takes hard work, patience, love and respect to make it. It sounds like you and your wife are going to be just fine
Posted by: Anonymous on 01/25/2012 @ 8:31 am:
Divorce doesn’t happen easily. People let their relationships slide too easily. BOTH PARTNERS NEED TO CONTINUALLY WORK ON THE MARRIAGE…AND THEMSELVES. This is why I think marrriages fail…because people slip into a comfort level in their marriage, get caught up in the business of life and don’t keep working on it. You HAVE TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE DAILY! YOU HAVE TO WORK ON YOURSELF TOO! My spouse and I are guilty of this…and he cheated…and it was a HORRIFIC experience. It BROKE me. 2 years later we are still recovering and still trying to fix things for the sake of our family. We are working on our marriage AND on ourselves. Therapy, psychiatry, chruch, friends, and more….It’sHARD! I think it’s probably harder to stay together and work through it than it is to divorce (though I haven’t divorced, so I can’t honestly speak for those that have divorced). I dont’ know if it’s going to work. We want it to work. But some days I want to just give up. WORK…no one said it was easy. MARRIAGE IS WORK! If only that was conveyed to more people before they jumped in! I think there’s MORE WORK IN MARRIAGE THAN THERE IS ROMANCE. Teach your children this, show them the work you put into making marriage work….teach them to respect the marriage as an entity in and of itself….and maybe we can help them lower the divorce rate in the future.
Posted by: Emily on 01/25/2012 @ 8:49 am:
Curious – on average, how long have the couples been married? We are in the same ‘phase’ with many of our couple friends divorcing. They have all split around the 10 year mark. Seeing our friends and family members go through their splits does remind my husband of 11 years and I not to take each other or our situation for granted and that a marriage takes constant work.
Posted by: AlWatts on 01/25/2012 @ 11:30 am:
I don’t know the statistics, but one of my friends was married for about 25 years, the other two were just over 10 years. My wife and I have been married 16.
Posted by: Jessica on 01/25/2012 @ 8:55 am:
I’m reading a new book by Tim Keller, the Meaning of Marriage. Just read chapter one. It talked about marriage being a mirror for the “sacrificial” love Christ has for His church. Now, I know not everyone believes in God, but you, sir, seem to have got the meaning of marriage down. God bless you and your union.
Posted by: Kathy joyce on 01/25/2012 @ 9:09 am:
My father once told me that it goes in waves. The first one comes in the mid-30s when you realize that it isn’t fun all the time. The second one comes in the 50′s, after your kids have left for college. Someone gets tired of the day-to-day and wants excitement of a new love. Sad, but true. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard guys who have remarried say that getting divorced was a mistake and they wish they had their first wife back. By then, she doesn’t want him. Just like the Meryl Streep movie!
Posted by: Jim O on 01/25/2012 @ 9:43 am:
Al, you seem to be following the rules:
Talk
Listen
Compromise
Work
And above all else, love
It really is far more complicated than a few simple ideas, but the concept isn’t. Personally, I am absolutely amazed that my relationship with my wife gets stronger all the time. We’ve been together 15 years, and counting. There are things that happen now that would have tanked us earlier, but we both make honest, genuine efforts to get through these things – knowing that we are both doing it, together and with the same goal. I have no idea why I’m so lucky. I have a wife that I would do anything for, and I have every reason to believe that she feels the same.
Life is hard work sometimes. Including another person’s priorities, feelings and perspectives certainly complicates that. The payoff is huge, at least for me. Making someone else feel good has always been something that makes me feel good.
Obviously, you know these ‘secrets’ already, there was just a compulsion to get them out there. Keep it up pal!
Posted by: mom2lulu on 01/25/2012 @ 10:19 am:
Al, this is so true. I know have high school and college friends getting divorces. I’m like – what? we’re too young for that. No, wait, we’re all hitting 40.
Posted by: Lisa M on 01/25/2012 @ 2:49 pm:
I used to think that I didn’t believe in divorce as an option for me and when I got married I would just stay married, period. And my spouse would feel the same way. Now, after five years of marriage, I think it is a choice we make each day–a decision to stay committed to our spouse, even when it is hard. Thankfully, we continue to make good choices.
Posted by: Bill Loves Sandra on 01/25/2012 @ 9:13 pm:
A hit for our marriage was taking part in marriage enrichment activities, programs offered through our church and around the area. Our best decision was going on a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend. It has opened up so many doors to growth in our relationship. We are honeymooners all over again. We celebrate our anniversary (13 years) and our Encounter date (6 years). http://www.wwme.org
Thanks Big Al
Posted by: Amy Grace on 01/26/2012 @ 8:31 am:
Great blog, Al. The thing that stood out while I was reading it, was that you were concerned enough to ask your wife what you would have to do to help make sure you stayed married. I think there are many times when men (and women too) think everything is going just great, and they are blindsinded when their partner wants out. After reading the comments, it’s nice to know that people are communicating with eachother, and not taking their marriages for granted. My husband and I try to do the same.
Posted by: AlWatts on 01/26/2012 @ 8:49 am:
Amy, it is my greatest fear that my wife will hand me divorce papers and I will be completely shocked. I know guys who this happened to: they thought everything was fine and didn’t know their marriage was in trouble until they were served.
Obviously that’s too late to do anything about it.
I frequently tell my wife, “Please let me know if you are ever thinking about divorcing me so I have a chance to stop doing whatever idiotic things I’m doing and can fix it.” If it ever happens (and I am confident it won’t) I never want to be one of those guys who doesn’t see it coming.
Posted by: Rob on 01/26/2012 @ 11:18 am:
Al, many good points!
My wife and I have been married 15yrs. But we married later than most of our friends, which I believe was a positive for us. My wife and I try to have a date night out at least every other week. My opinion is once a month is not enough. Consider the amount of time you put into working either at home or away and time spent on taking care of the kids. 3-4 hours together every other week doesn’t seem like enough and NO sleeping together doesn’t count. A date night out doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. Sometimes just meeting for happy hour to talk and a movie will do the trick. If money is tight and you have young ones take turns with a neighbor or one of the your children’s friends parents, having the kids over for play dates.
Ladies don’t jump off your seat…but I recommended that my wife read “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Doctor Laura Schlessinger. Don’t prejudge by the title just read it and you will get it!
Now for working Mom’s and stay at home Dad’s just take the info. in the book and recognizing that women want/need different things out of a friendship/marriage and apply accordingly. Dr. Laura’s suggestions work and better yet it works both ways!
Remember during the 80’s the little Jewish women Dr. Ruth and the candid information she shared about sex. She had many great suggestions for couples and luckily for my girlfriends and my wife I read her articles/books and paid attention when she was on TV. My wife actually surprised me by reading Dr. Laura’s book and I do believe it helped make our relationship stronger. No one’s perfect and we both sometimes forget to put her suggestions to action. As stated in previous comments, … marriage is work and there is no other way to make it successful.
Keep the passion and have fun with it! Remember what it was like the first several times you went out as boyfriend and girlfriend? If you don’t, you need to take action right away to get back those feelings so you do remember and experience those positive endorphins again! It all contributes to a healthy life style.
Best to all!
Posted by: Married 50+ years on 01/30/2012 @ 9:28 am:
I noticed you used the statistic that half of the people who marry get divorced. I do not believe that is true. It IS true that there are twice as many marriages each year as divorces. But the number of divorces each year should be viewed as a percentage of the total number of marriages, and should not be compared to the number of marriages that year. For instance…6000 marriages each year. 3000 divorces each year. Total marriages in the state 100,000 (this is a made up number for illustration only! The actual number is probably higher.) Of the total marriages in the state 3,000 or 3% divorced. These statistics don’t show, of course, how many divorced people remarry, or how the number of marriages decreases due to death or other reasons.
So take heart! While marriage takes love, commitment, patience and persistence, the odds still are in your favor!
Posted by: L Smith on 01/30/2012 @ 11:04 am:
Hey Al,
Was I the one you thought was a “Not a big suprise” or was I the “Shocker”?
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone especially with young children. I too have heard “I’m not going anywhere” comment before but somehow I know you and your wife are in it for the long haul. Good luck my friend.
I also was taken by complete suprise.
Posted by: TRO on 01/31/2012 @ 4:48 pm:
there are so many things that i would like to say or talk about but the bottom line is that loseing the ones you love, wife and children sucks. it is hard to deal with a divorce knowing that we did not work on it or get the help we needed to make it work and now knowing there is someone else really sucks.