F-Kamm (The Woman Formerly Known As My Mother) asked me yesterday whether I’d run out of subject matter after a year of blogging.
Are you kidding me? All I have to do is spend an hour with my kids and I have enough material for a month.
Recently, I took the boys to breakfast, looking for material. I began the discussion by announcing that a certain store is the Seventh Circle of Hell. It had taken me an hour and a half to exchange a $50 gift card for the $25 gift card that I thought I had purchased. The computer crashed four times trying to process the return. I came dangerously close to losing my mind.
My son asked what happened to the Dallas Fort Worth Airport, the former tenant of the Seventh Circle. The Seventh Circle is a big place, I replied. There’s room for lots of tenants.
I hate shopping, so Christmas shopping is right up there with having a root canal. I keep trying to make everything equal between my children, until I reach a point where I give up and call it good. It is NEVER equal.
Since the boys do all their Christmas shopping online, they think it’s a breeze. My youngest, though, explained the drawbacks of gift receipts. He received a gift he wanted to return for cash so he could buy something different elsewhere.
If you have a real receipt, you get cash. But if you have a gift receipt, you get in-store credit. His plan was to get the in-store credit, buy something else and then return that purchase for cash. But if you purchase something with an in-store credit, won’t they give you an in-store credit when you return it?
Don’t mind me. I am just injecting logic into an illogical situation.
We continued with our discussion of “What Annoys Us About Christmas.” My oldest son declared that he hates all Christmas carols except for “Mr. Grinch.” Apropos, I know.
My youngest and I defended Michael Buble and Bing Crosby, but we all agreed that Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” is a definite Seventh Circle candidate.
Unfortunately, there are many candidates for World’s Worst Christmas Song. Jezebel.com ran a contest last week to pick the worst. Amazingly, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” — Julie’s personal favorite — was beaten out by a horrible little ditty called, “The Christmas Shoes.” I say, send them all to the Seventh Circle.
My oldest son believes the most politically incorrect Christmas song of all time is “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” The girl obviously wants to leave and uses every excuse in the book. He talks her into another drink. She asks what’s in it. Wait! Did he put something in her drink? Is this song about date rape?
She says “no” multiple times, but he doesn’t stop. After he gets her another drink, she eventually agrees to spend the night with him. In fact, the music score actually calls the man’s part “Wolf” and the woman’s part “Mouse.” When was this song written, 1944?
It seems that when songwriter Frank Loesser debuted the song, he sang it with his wife, Lynn Garland. Makes you wonder about their first date! Worse yet, she considered it “their song” and was furious when he sold it.
“The Grinch” (my oldest son) also hates decorating for Christmas. You spend all this money on stuff that you only use once a year, his reasoning goes. Then you spend a day putting it up and another taking it down.
I asked what he would do with those two extra days. Both my sons looked at me incredulously and replied in unison, “Watch football!”
‘Tis the season.
What won’t you miss about Christmas?
Kathy Koch Joyce is mom to three grown-up children. Read her Tuesdays on momaha.com