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TwitterI had a really great blog written in my head to tell you I was pregnant. It was a surprise and took me a couple weeks to get used to the idea. But after that, I jumped on board with both feet. I was ready. Ready for what life threw my way, ready to share my experience with all of you and ready to grow my family.
One week later, I miscarried. And, I must be honest, I really struggled with whether to write about this here or not. The wounds are still so fresh and the emotions so raw. And even though I share much of my life with you guys, I still consider myself a pretty private person.
But I wanted to be a part of momaha.com because I believe in what it stands for. It’s a place for moms to openly talk about difficult topics in a safe environment. It’s where we come together to connect. And I’m guessing more than a couple of you can relate to what I went through.
So here’s my story.
I was working on a stressful and all-consuming project at work. I was in yet another meeting where I was beyond frustrated. So frustrated that I had stopped talking and was just staring at my computer, with every muscle in my body tensed and ready to pounce. I don’t get like this easily. I rarely get like this, in fact. I left the meeting, went to the restroom before my next one and saw that I was bleeding.
I was crushed. I immediately started crying and couldn’t stop. Had I done this to myself? Had I let work get in the way of my baby’s health? There I was in my work bathroom crying uncontrollably, praying that no one walked in. The next several hours consisted of me calling the doctor, them rushing me in for blood tests and me waiting for the call back. When they did call me back, they said my progesterone levels were low and they wanted to do an ultrasound. I knew at that minute it was over.
The ultrasound confirmed that my instinct was right. I knew in my heart I wouldn’t see a heartbeat. I had prepared myself for that news. I had walked through the scenario in my head several times. But nothing really prepares you for that moment.
The only good thing that came out of that appointment is that my doctor reassured me the pregnancy had ended about a week earlier and that it was nothing I had done. My doctor was the calm in this storm. I could tell he was genuinely devastated for me.
My doctor told me I had three options – I could wait and let it pass naturally, he could give me medicine to help the passing process along or I could have a D&C, which is a procedure to surgically remove everything. I chose the D&C because I wanted closure soon instead of waiting the weeks it could take to pass it on my own. I also had a friend take the medicine route and I remembered how much pain she was in. My doctor fit me in for the procedure that afternoon.
To pass the time until my appointment, my husband and I went to Village Pointe to walk around and get some air. I’m half laughing when I tell you that every pregnant and new mama was at Village Pointe at that exact time. The sight of them holding their tummies or snuggling their newborns was one of the most comforting things of this experience.
It gave me a sense of peace that people do sustain pregnancies every day. Heck, I already have sustained one pregnancy and have a beautiful 2-year-old at home, waiting for me with a smile and a hug. Many women struggle to get pregnant (like I did the first time), only to miscarry. I have friends in this situation and have watched their hearts ache. They can’t go home to their baby like I can.
Which is all good and fun to tell yourself, but much harder to believe when all you want to do is feel sorry for yourself.
I took a deep breath – several actually – to get me through the weekend, including telling the D&C nurse in my own words why I was there; talking to an anesthesiologist about how she’s going to put me completely under and fog my memory; and getting literature from the hospital with “Loss of a Child” on the cover. I made it through that day and thought I was doing great until one of my high school friends posted on Facebook that she was expecting and due the same time I would have been.
That’s where friends and family come in. My sister flew into town, my friends stopped by unannounced (but very needed), my husband made me get out of the house and I ate … a lot!
I try to live by the mantra that everything happens for a reason. I really, truly believe this and tell it to my friends all the time. But it’s so much easier to coach from the sidelines, isn’t it? I’m not at all sure what the reason for this is, but I have to believe there is one. And that it’s a really, really good reason.
Until I figure that out, I’ll hold Cambria tight and be thankful for all that I already have.
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Posted by: Cat K on 09/09/2010 @ 11:44 am:
Why must you make me cry this early? I’m so sorry, but I know you’re doing well. Thank you for being so honest!
Posted by: nlivingston on 09/09/2010 @ 11:50 am:
I am so sorry for your loss, but thank you for talking about it. So many women never talk about it, and that leaves so many others feeling alone at such an emotionally difficult time. My own life has shown me that indeed, all things have purpose, even pain. It’s just not always immediately clear what that purpose may be.
Posted by: Nikki on 09/09/2010 @ 12:44 pm:
I knew todAy was a good day to read! Great post m! I know I’ve said it already, but I’m sorry you are goi g through this!
Posted by: momof3 on 09/09/2010 @ 1:11 pm:
So sorry for your loss. This is very difficult to talk about and many will appreciate you sharing this experience. I have had three miscarriages, but also have three beautiful children now. There is definitely hope that everything will work out.
Posted by: Heidi W on 09/09/2010 @ 1:36 pm:
I would like to believe I would be as strong and understanding. These are the exact reasons I consider you to be my greatest ally in everything I do in life. You are right. There is a reason for everything…and I am glad that our paths intersected. Wonderful post…thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Lisa M on 09/09/2010 @ 1:38 pm:
I am very sorry for your loss, and the courage it took to write about it here is immense. Cambria and your future children will be very proud! I think you are right that everything happens for a reason, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. Isn’t it amazing how much we can love those tiny little lifes before they are hardly formed?
My sister also experienced a miscarriage towards the end of a first trimester, and then conceived the very next month. (I was previously unaware that woman can be extremely fertile shortly after a miscarriage.) She has three boys now–all perfectly healthy. I will pray that when you are ready to try again, you will be blessed.
Posted by: Mara on 09/09/2010 @ 1:40 pm:
Melissa – I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how you feel having suffered a miscarriage many years ago. My D&C was my first surgery ever and it was frightening.Unlike your experience, my doctor was not very understanding or comforting (which was surprising because my doctor was a woman) and this made the experience even harder. One of my best friends at the time was also pregnant and it was so hard to see her and all of the other women who were expecting and it is true it does seem like everyone you see is expecting when you are going through this difficult time. If we had not suffered our miscarriage, we never would have adopted our oldest daughter and I can’t imainge our lives without her. So I agree that everything does happen for a reason. But that does not make it any easier and it is ok to feel sorry for yourself – at least for awhile. As my mother always tells me, Be good to yourself and take time to heal – both body and soul.
Posted by: Anne on 09/09/2010 @ 1:40 pm:
You already know my story, but the 4 years (2 miscarriages) between child #2 and child #3 turned out to be a good thing for my family. People will say – You did that right! Well, yah, not intentionally. So it may take many years for you to realize a reason but usually, you will at least find peace with it. Hugs to you! I remember feeling like it hurt so much more than I ever could have thought (not the physical pain but the emotional pain) – it overtook me. But you are also right, having Cam to come home to is a blessing. Thanks for sharing and sorry you had to go through this. Love you!
Posted by: Linda on 09/09/2010 @ 1:45 pm:
I know that was a hard article to write, but I know your words will help others cope also. I love you, Ryan and Cambria very much and will always be there for you.
Posted by: acp on 09/09/2010 @ 1:56 pm:
I completely understand and feel your pain. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and we found out we were expecting this summer. I went in for my 12 week appointment to hear the heartbeat and that’s when we found out that the baby had stopped growing a few weeks before that and there was no heartbeat. I cried pretty much the whole weekend. I had the D&C, we had the baby cremated and we now have it in an urn in our room. It sounds weird, but that was my closure. Now we just have to wait to try again. Hopefully, we’ll be able to get pregnant again soon. My upsides? If I do get pregnant soon, I can wear the cute maxi dresses next summer instead of ill-fitting maternity pants (the baby would have been born in February 2011) and I can enjoy a Bud Light Lime during the Husker games. And I am that much more grateful for my healthy 2-year-old that I get to hug every day.
Keep your chin up; you’ll be amazed at all there is to be grateful for.
Posted by: mamacita on 09/09/2010 @ 2:39 pm:
Takes a lot of guts to write about personal topics that are so close to your heart. I have never been in your shoes and can’t even begin to imagine… I have a few friends that have, and I have nothing but complete admiration and awe at how they picked themselves up by their bootstraps and kept a smile and positve attitude after the fact. There is great comfort in “All things happen for a reason” albeit those are the last words you want someone to say to you when something goes wrong. Sometimes those reasons are revealed to you in a few months or years and it all makes more sense, other times there will always be a big question mark. The tough times are when you have the opportunity to prove to yourself what kind of person you are. Know that the love and postive thoughts of not just your family and friends, but of your readers surrounds you now and on a daily basis
Posted by: twinzmama on 09/09/2010 @ 3:09 pm:
I’m so sorry for your loss. I admire the way you were able to look at the other pregnant moms positively instead of jealously. I also try to believe that everything happens for a reason, although it is usually easier said than believed.
Posted by: danelle s on 09/09/2010 @ 3:21 pm:
(hugs to you melissa) proud of you for sharing a beautiful blog. let me know if i can bring you some cupcakes! (they heal the soul im convinced.)
Posted by: christine on 09/09/2010 @ 4:23 pm:
you are awesome for talking about this! its not easy putting your emotions out there but i hope it has helped your recovery process. you are one tough cookie girlfriend
Posted by: Judy D. on 09/09/2010 @ 4:24 pm:
Truly appreciate you sharing this moment in your life with us. You are right. This is what this is site is about. Women, moms, coming together to support one another, even in the dark moments. You are an amazing woman.
Posted by: just me on 09/09/2010 @ 4:42 pm:
I had a miscarriage last May. I wanted a baby so bad. I was ready. My 3rd child is 9 so my clock was ticking. I had an Ultrasound very early and seen the heartbeat. What a precious sight to see. How can that be happening in my body. I messed up and told everyone. I was just so excited! Then it happened. I was sitting at my computer at home and I felt like I was starting my period. I went to the restroom and I seen blood. I started crying. I called my doc and she said the line” alot of women bleed during pregnancy”. But I needed to know. I called my boyfriend and he took me to the hospital. During that ultrasond things where different. I could just tell. No smiles or talking. The tech was very quite. Needless to say, the babies heartbeat was slow. About a week later he-she passed. I can’t explain that feeling to know something inside you is dying , something you love so much and want to protect, and theier is nothing you can do about it. I blamed myself. I still do. For my own reasons. One, is because I take meds daily. They can say it didn’t affect the baby but it my head that will always be one of the reasons. I had a DC instead of the other options. I have moved on in life. Of course when the due date came along I was feeling a little down. I pray for each women who has ever struggled with this. It’s one of the hardest things a woman can go through. I know my post is long and I didn’t mean for it to be this way. For some reason when I started writing I couldn’t stop. Peace and love to all momaha ladies!
Posted by: michaela on 09/09/2010 @ 5:30 pm:
I am grieving for your loss. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so proud to know you!
Posted by: Sarah T on 09/09/2010 @ 5:36 pm:
((HUGS))
Posted by: ashli b on 09/09/2010 @ 5:43 pm:
Ugh. My heart sank when I read this, Melissa. There are no words that seem appropriately profound enough for this sort of situation. What an incredible woman you are to write about it and share it with the world.
Posted by: Amber on 09/09/2010 @ 5:56 pm:
I miscarried on Mothers Day. To say the pregnancy was a surprise was an understatement and just when I was able to wrap my head around it, it was over. While I’m still grieving I too believe it happens for a reason. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: icanidentify on 09/09/2010 @ 6:39 pm:
Thank you for the honest post. I have suffered two miscarriages in the 15 months we have been trying to get pregnant. Both were in the first 6 weeks, but devastating nonetheless, especially after we easily got pregnant the first time. The pain and sadness that you experience can be crushing. My tip? I would always cry my eyes out in the shower. No one can really hear you and you’re eyes don’t get as puffy.
Posted by: Alsosad on 09/09/2010 @ 8:27 pm:
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I suffered a miscarriage last week an am still very sad. Had the follow up appointment this morning and was given a folder of bereavement materials. Thank you for sharing your experience. I know this is common but no one talks about it and it is a lonely feeling.
Posted by: Lisa Andrews on 09/09/2010 @ 9:02 pm:
I feel so bad for you. I admit when I had a high risk pregnancy I was preoccupied with this happening to me. I can only imagine your deep disappointment. Hang in there…god has a plan for you that is perfect and yet to be experienced! Thanks for being so brave, and reminding us to count our blessings.
Posted by: kfamily3 on 09/09/2010 @ 9:42 pm:
Melissa – (((Hugs))) – I am so deeply sorry for your loss. While I still have a very hard time swallowing that “everything happens for a reason”, I will say that despite never exactly understanding why things happen the way they do, I deeply admire that you have the strength t0 recognize the blessings you have been given. It was something that took me many years to master. If my life had not been impacted by infertility, I would not be the mother to my son. Someone else would have been his adoptive mother – and I simply cannot imagine now – not knowing this amazing little human being. He belongs with me. Could I see that clarity when I was going thru all the infertility trauma – certainly not. But now, I simply know that life is how it’s supposed to be. However, let me say that this does not mean that I don’t plan to pull a chair up to the big guy at the pearly gates some day and say “we need to have a talk”.
Keep hugging Cambria tight and know that you are in my thoughts & heart.
Patti K.
Posted by: Melissa on 09/09/2010 @ 10:39 pm:
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your comments.
Danelle: uhh, cupcakes are always good. Bring them over. And acp, you’re so right. I may have a beer tonight!
Posted by: Amy G on 09/09/2010 @ 10:45 pm:
Melissa, I’m reading this just as a I finish an email from a friend telling a few of us that she miscarried. I have a very close group of 5 girlfriends and she is the 4th in our group of 6 that has now experienced the devastation of miscarriage. I am so sorry for your loss and I know that is very little consolation. It wasn’t for me either. But know this, it’s far more common than you think and you’ll be surprised at the woman that come out of the woodwork to share their stories and their support. I wish you and your husband peace while you move on from this experience and hope that you’ll soon be sharing good news with us. Thank you for being so brave.
Posted by: Mimi on 09/10/2010 @ 2:36 am:
I had my first and hopefully only miscarriage earlier this week and I am devastated. I have a two year-old and had no problem getting pregnant the first time. The second time took us a year and now a miscarriage. We had an appointment today to have another hcg test and it was supposed to be our first ultrasound seeing the heartbeat. Instead I am getting confirmation that I have expelled the sac and baby naturally. I hate this. This isn’t fair. The doctor was so nanchalant this morning and kept saying, don’t worry, I’ll see you pregnant in month or two. I don’t believe her and I just want this baby. I want to be 9 weeks pregnant due in April. No one talks about this stuff. I feel so alone.
Posted by: Jodie on 09/10/2010 @ 2:19 pm:
Melissa,
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, Ryan and Cam as you go thru this. I know in my heart that you’ll have more babies to fill your life up with the same joy you have each day with Cam. I’m so very proud of you for sharing this and proud that you are my cousin.
Posted by: Rainbow on 09/12/2010 @ 4:51 am:
Melissa, this is such a courageous and thoughtful post!
Posted by: Lisa F. on 09/17/2010 @ 3:13 am:
Great post Melissa! I went through 2 miscarriages in a 5 month period and while it’s been over a year since the last one I am still suffering. It’s very easy to get caught up in what would have been but it’s not at all healthy. For all the people, particularly Mimi above who my heart goes out to, I can only say the thing that has enabled me to continue on trying. It’s an extension to the everything happens for a reason saying. As much as it hurts now, and is hard to understand, God is saving you from a bigger hurt later on. I KNOW that to be true. Miscarriages SUCK but having one later in the pregnancy, a still birth, major birth defects, losing your child to some horrible disease, etc. are WAY worse. He never gives us more than we can handle! I want to add I’m by no means a religious freak but it’s honestly how I feel.